The Hap-Happiest Season of All

TW: depression, seasonal depression

There is one week left until Christmas and it has been a busy weekend. Lots of baking and present wrapping and several trips to several different stores; my credit card is quite tired. This morning I woke up (read: was physically and emotionally abused by the cat until I got up), picked up coffee, and went immediately to the grocery store. There I purchased four items: molasses, eggs, frozen fish, and a gift card, which were the four things I neglected to buy the first time I went to the store this weekend.

Returning home I proceeded to bake for the next four to five hours. In between putting trays in the oven I washed dishes, melted chocolate, dipped cookies, and put ingredients away. I also used fun Christmas-y shaped candy molds to make little trees and snowflakes out of candy melts. The baking is something I do every year as gifts for several people. It’s not because baking cookies makes for an easy gift. It is most decidedly NOT an easy gift. It takes lots of time and money and, though I say it myself, skill. But baking is one of my love languages. It makes me happy to make something that I know people will enjoy and I always try to be sure that everything I bake for a gift looks nice and tastes good. It’s tiring, but with all of that effort expended I am much closer to finishing my Christmas gifts.

Now, at 5:32 PM it is completely dark out. Some people really hate this time of the year as we approach the shortest day. Really it is the longest night part that bothers them. The long darkness of winter can throw people into a depression which must really suck especially around the holidays. For all the other things that will set off my mental health bullshit, thankfully darkness is not one of them. I thrive in the long nights, reveling in the coziness of the season.

Take right now: my apartment smells like Christmas from baking. The lights on the tree are bright, making the room very twinkly. I’ve showered and changed into comfortable lounge/sleepwear (which is the same as I was wearing before the shower, but now I have on clean lounge/sleepwear). My bed is piled high with fuzzy and weighted blankets and the oven is heating up for dinner. I hear the occasional vehicle pass by outside my window and sometimes my neighbor downstairs coughs or laughs; this is enough human interaction for me this evening as the full weekend has put me into introvert mode. The very second I finish this post, I’m eating dinner and climbing into bed to crochet and watch Schitt’s Creek for what is probably the seventh time. Add a gentle snowfall and a hot delicious beverage and this would be an ideal winter’s evening to me.

You may ask, “how could someone be depressed just because it is dark out, especially at the holidays?” You may ask it, but that would be an ignorant ass question. Depression is not a choice, it is a condition brought on by innumerable causes including genetics, situations, and yes, the seasons. Depression is also not just feeling sad. It can include changes in sleep, changes in appetite, trouble concentrating, trouble with memory, and general lack of interest in doing anything just to name a few of the symptoms. It is exhausting. It is physically painful. It looks a little different for everyone, but in general it is safe to assume that if someone is depressed, they feel like a pile of hot garbage most of the time. No one chooses to feel that way. It is invisible, but very real.

I always knew I was an anxious person, but I didn’t know I was also depressed until I went to an outpatient program. There, one of the social workers detailed on a white board the main symptoms of depression and explained exactly how it was diagnosed. Listening to her talk I was shocked by how many symptoms I recognized in myself. By the end of the session I had realized I really was prone to depression and could look back on many times in my life when I was in the thick of it.

I remember one time in particular when I spent an entire weekend in bed. From the time I got home Friday night to the time I left for work Monday morning every moment was spent in bed: binge watching a show I didn’t care about, sleeping odd hours, and getting up only rarely to use the bathroom or eat something. The following Monday I went back to work more exhausted than when I left the Friday before.

There are whole years of my life where the days went in a cycle:

Step One: spend the whole day wishing I could go home and go to bed.

Step Two: get home and spend the whole evening playing a game on my phone or watching something mindless so that I didn’t have to think

Step Three: avoid going to bed for as long as possible because of a fear that I’d wake up feeling worse the next morning

Step Four: finally fall asleep way too late

Step Five: wake up exhausted and wish I could spend the whole day in bed

I didn’t know how to break the cycle. I didn’t even know what it was; it never even crossed my mind that I was actually, for real, diagnosable-style depressed. To me I was just being lazy, work was too stressful, or I was just feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I know now, I wish I had recognized it and gotten help back then. I lost so much time being miserable and not even knowing why.

To those who may be suffering at this time of year, or any time of year for that matter, I encourage you to reach out. To family, to friends, to professionals, it doesn’t matter to whom. Reach out to someone you trust, tell them what is going on, and let them help you get started on a pathway to a solution. Embarrassed? No need. Just think that even Tony Soprano went to therapy: if he can, you can too.

Last week I was driving home from therapy and thought, “I can’t wait to go home and go to bed.” But it wasn’t for the reasons it used to be when I was depressed. I wanted to go to bed because I was excited to wake up the next morning and drink coffee again. My first thought was, “Wow, I’m easily pleased, what a stupid thing to be excited about.” But after a second thought I realized what that excitement over coffee really signified: I’m happy. I’m happy with how things are going right now, so much so that I’m excited to go to bed so I can get back to doing those things, to living my life. I’ve got to say: it’s pretty weird. (And I feel like I’ve jinxed myself by admitting it publicly now, so we’ll see how long it lasts.) I am not used to this feeling of happiness, but I will never, ever take it for granted.

And so I’m going to revel in the dark and this cozy winter season. I’m going to enjoy the cold and the excuse to wear hoodies all the time. I will wrap up the baked goods and send them off as little envoys of joy to the family scattered all over the country. And I will hope that everyone finds some peace and happiness this season, even through the darkness.