Strong Women

There is a t-shirt that I really want to wear to work one of these days. My office is business casual and a graphic tee is definitely more casual than business, but I still think I can get away with it if I wear a blazer over the t-shirt.

The shirt is a dusty rose color with white print on the front. The design is split in half down the middle. One half is Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s face, the other half is the quote, “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made”. I really want to wear this shirt to work. If I’m honest I really want to wear it all the time. Basically I never want to wear any shirt other than this one, ever.

The only trouble is I am not entirely sure that I deserve to wear this shirt given that I am at times completely incapable of making a decision.

The most obvious of these moments is when my boyfriend asks me what I want to do for dinner. I almost never have an immediate answer. Very rarely am I craving something so specific that I instantly know what we’re doing for dinner. So instead of being decisive and declaring, “We are going to (insert restaurant here)”, most often I start trying to narrow it down. I ask him if he is in the mood for anything specific. Is there anything he doesn’t want to eat? Should we (read: he) cook something or should we go out? How hungry are you? What did he have for lunch (so that we don’t end up eating the same genre of food).

Eventually one of two things happens. Either 1) we narrow it down to two options that we’d both be happy with and then I pick one, or 2) he gets tired of me not being able to decide and he makes the decision himself. Then usually he won’t tell me where we’re going and dinner is a complete mystery to me until we get there. Which is fine by me because I obviously couldn’t make the decision in the first place.

I do feel bad about being so indecisive in these moments, but the truth of the matter is that most of the time I don’t care where we eat. And I don’t want to be the one to make the final choice because what if I choose something that he doesn’t want? While I do want to eat something that I actually enjoy, I also want him to enjoy it. I need his input to make sure he will be happy with the choice too.

This probably isn’t a sign of weakness, but more a sign of an over developed sense of thoughtfulness. In situations like these, if I had to pick between me being happy or my boyfriend, my friend, my family member, my coworker, or really anyone being happy, I would pick the other person every time. If I’m spending time with someone, I want to make sure they are having a good time, so I will lean towards their preferences every time. Which is not to say that I won’t speak up for myself. Like I am absolutely not going to eat at an Indian restaurant. No shade, but curry and cumin makes me sick and even the smell makes me feel ill, so it doesn’t matter how much I care about a person, I’m simply not going into an Indian restaurant. (Again, no offense intended, I just literally cannot eat a lot of the food without immediate negative effects.) But food sensitivities aside, I really want to be sure that whomever I’m with is happy with where we’re eating or the activity we’re doing.

Upon consideration I realize that this likely comes from some deep-seated low self-esteem issue, like me believing that I’m boring to hang out with, so I have to really ensure that the other person has fun/likes the food. But whatever, it’s just the way I am. If I’m forced to make the decision I need input to be positive that the other person is happy.

In other situations where I have to make decisions, in my personal life or at work, I almost always seek the advice of others. I basically make no major moves without first running it by my therapist; I trust her to tell me the truths I need to hear and she makes me think more deeply about my actions and why I make the choices I make (see above re: low self-esteem driven decision making). That kind of insight is invaluable. And at work I am constantly seeking input on decisions. Even when I do make a declarative statement or make a decision independently, I am primed and ready to adjust should I receive feedback that changes my mind.

And that is the thing that bothers me and makes me feel like I’m not a strong, decisive woman. Countless times throughout my life I have been so certain of my opinion on some subject, only to flip flop immediately upon hearing some new fact or situation of which I was unaware. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes I change opinions so quickly because I was ignorant of some vital information. In these cases I am glad that I’m not so stubborn that I refuse to change course when I learn new things. I think it is important to be flexible and open-minded and that is not a sign of weakness or indecision.

But other times the same thing happens when discussing something as simple as my favorite superhero. I have always said that Batman is my favorite superhero; I love the Christopher Nolan movies and I love the character because a lot of his strength stems from his fear. (As a person who is scared of nearly everything, I relate.) Over the years I have had many people, most of them men that I’ve dated, tell me that Batman isn’t technically a superhero. He’s a rich dude with access to a lot of gadgets. This is true, I do not deny it. But Batman still falls into the superhero category in my mind. Nonetheless, when I’m challenged on Batman not being a real superhero, I have an immediate back up answer ready. I acquiesce to the other person’s claims that my choice is wrong, and give them a different answer that will please them. I mean, honestly. What would RBG say to such shenanigans?

There are so many women that I admire who are firm in their opinions, decisions, and actions. They do not waffle. Even when they learn something new that changes their opinion, they make that change seemingly without doubt or shame or feeling indecisive. These are women in my family, they are my friends, they are my coworkers. They are women like our new bishop at my job. They are women like Kamala Harris. I look at them and I know that when they make a decision, they mean it and they will follow through. They are the women RBG was talking about; they belong where the decisions are being made.

And here is the thing: I know that these strong women are not making all of their decisions alone. Everyone in leadership, regardless of gender, has some type of support system. A network of people that they trust for feedback, for information, for assistance. These women I so admire are not alone. They have resources and know that it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help or to seek others’ advice. They do all this so that they can stand firm when they make a decision. No one does everything alone.

So in reality most of the women I have idealized in my head are probably more like me than I think. They question themselves I’m sure. They have doubts and feel uncertain; they just don’t always show it. Strength and decisiveness are not the absence of doubt or changes in thought and opinion. All of those things are normal and don’t mean that I should not be a leader or speak my mind. I really want to wear that shirt to work not just to support the women around me who are leading, but to remind myself that I am one of them too. I also belong where the decisions are being made.

Unless that decision is about dinner.