Hold My Calls

There are very few people with whom I enjoy speaking on the phone. I am related to most of them. The others are close friends and even then we do not speak on the phone often.

I have dreaded making phone calls ever since I was a kid. Not that there were many calls I had to make as a child, but when I did call someone there was so much uncertainty involved. In most cases I would be calling a friend to see if we could get together to play. I would pull out the school directory, all of the contact information for every kid in school printed on paper, stapled together, and handed out to every student at the beginning of the year. The directory had not just phone numbers but addresses, student names, parent names, and sibling names. So when I picked up the phone to call a friend I was at least equipped with the knowledge of how many people could possibly pick up the phone.

This made it no less scary. Let’s say I was calling Kacie (fake name). At her house there were five people who could possibly pick up the phone: Kacie, her mom, her dad, her brother, and her other brother. As I would be dialing the phone I’d talk myself through the possibilities. Typically it was Kacie or her mom who answered the phone; both those options were good and non-threatening. Her brother rarely picked up, but if he did he was fairly easy to manage too. The other brother barely spoke in general and would certainly never answer the phone, so he was scratched off the list of things to worry about. The scariest possibility was always the dad answering the phone. No matter which friend I was calling, no matter if I had spoken to the dad multiple times before, it was still scary. Dads are the scariest to talk to on the phone and that’s a fact, or it was when I was in middle and high school. Never knowing who was going to answer the phone made calling friends pre-cell phones a bone-chilling experience.

It wasn’t as if I was scared that the person I called would reach through the phone and strangle me. Phone calls were scary because I was afraid I would say something to embarrass myself. That’s it, really. I didn’t want to say something stupid on the phone and then have to see the person who heard me say something stupid on the phone later and be embarrassed all over again.

To a certain degree I have gotten over this, largely helped by the fact that now when I call someone I am almost always calling their cell phone and guaranteed that they are the only person who would pick up the phone. This eliminates the uncertainty that I found so upsetting. But I will admit I still really don’t like talking on the phone, especially when I have to call a business or a doctor’s office or when I have to make calls for work. There is still the lingering fear that I will say something completely inappropriate or embarrassing or that I will make a joke the person on the other end of the line won’t get. Or the connection could be bad and then I have to decide do I hang up on this person who may or may not be able to hear me? I cannot hear them, so probably they cannot hear me, but is it rude to just hang up? What do I do?

I much prefer email or text messages; I think I express myself better in writing when I can take a little extra time to think about what I’m going to say and how to word it. When you send an email or a text it is directed at a specific person or group of people; there is no possibility that their dad is going to receive the email.

When written communication is not an available option, I would prefer to FaceTime or get on a Zoom call. Although it is essentially the same thing as a phone call, the added ability to see the person with whom you are speaking adds a level of comfort for me. I can read their facial expressions and adjust my tone or what have you accordingly. Also, there is some preparation involved in most FaceTime or Zoom calls; typically I know when they are going to happen and I know generally what we’re going to talk about.

Not knowing the purpose of a phone call is also nerve-wracking to me, especially as relates to work. Someone calling me on my office phone could be calling for any number of reasons because my work relates to so many different areas at the office. And sometimes people will call me related to an area that I have nothing to do with simply because mine is the phone number they have on hand. The worst, though, is when I receive a voicemail or an email from someone in which they ask that I call them back, but they give me NO REASON for why they want to talk to me. Come on, people! Give me something so that I can be at least somewhat prepared for our call. I absolutely hate getting on the phone with someone only to find that they really need to talk to someone else, or that the best way for me to help them is to email them a link. If they had just told me what they needed over email I could have provided the answer immediately and no one would have had to get on the phone. Public Service Announcement: If you are leaving a message for someone, leave a detailed message so they know what the hell you want. Just saying.

This past week two people emailed me saying that they tried to leave me a message on my office phone, but my voicemail was full. My voicemail fills up all the time. I work from home so often that I get my voicemail messages forwarded to my email. Then, when I’m at the office, I forget to delete the old messages, so the mailbox fills up and then no one can leave any additional messages. This is mostly an accident; I do not intentionally leave my voicemail full so that people cannot get in touch with me. But it is a little bit of an indirect message to my incoming callers, that message being, “It is 2024, friend. I know you got my phone number off the website, which means you have the internet and therefore likely an email address as well. I know my phone number is listed right next to a link to my email address, which you could have easily clicked and sent me a message. Doesn’t it seem easier to complete your transaction on the device you’re already on (computer) rather that switching to a different device (phone) to contact me in what is rapidly becoming the old-timey way of communicating? Please never call me again.”

That’s not a professional message in any way and I do call people or answer the phone when absolutely necessary. But I really don’t want to if I’m honest. I live in the perpetual fear of, “what if the dad answers the phone?”. That’s no way to live. Just text or email me, I promise it will go better for everyone.