Drama Queen
There is very little that I love more in life than drama.
I am speaking of a very specific kind of drama. I’m all for a good out loud pretend argument in the car when I am by myself, but outside of that I am not very big on conflict. I don’t come from a family of screamers. We express our feelings more quietly, or sometimes not at all. Something has to either be high stakes or involve someone very important to me to feel worth a big fight in my mind.
The drama that I love is drama that I can watch but not get sucked into as a participant.
Sure, sometimes that can be awkward. Let’s say, for example, you’re in a car with your new coworker and one of her best friends and they get into an ENORMOUS SCREAMING FIGHT. They are tearing into each other, one from the driver’s seat and one in the back while you’re observing from the passenger’s seat. There is nowhere for you to go if you get out of the car, but no one is yelling at you so you just sit back, avert your eyes, and listen to the bomb go off in slow motion. Awkward. Definitely awkward. But fascinating to observe.
Some people love to get into a good confrontation, but I’d rather watch. I find that being involved is overwhelming in a number of ways. When I worked at Barnes & Noble our store was right next to a Tex-Mex restaurant. The two businesses had separate parking lots, but shared a driveway so it kind of looked like they shared the parking lots.
This was never a problem except for on Cinco de Mayo. Every year on the fifth of May somehow everyone in the Morris Plains area magically got off work and was able to start drinking margaritas at the restaurant as soon as it opened. Parking was a nightmare, so much so that one year I had to park illegally behind the store and run in to start my shift. Very concerned about getting a ticket, I worked it out with one of my coworkers to follow her out when she left so that I could move my car into her parking spot. When the time came I left another person covering the cafe alone and ran outside to move my car.
I ran and got into my car and positioned myself near my coworker’s car, waiting for her to back out so that I could take her spot. As she walked over to her car and got it, another driver who had been circling the parking lot spotted her and drove over, ready to take her spot as well from the other direction. We probably got to the location around the same time, so it would be hard to tell who was there first, but this was a pre-arranged spot switch and I had another six hours on my shift so I was taking that spot no matter what. Luck was on my side and the way my coworker backed out of the spot made it so that I could pull in before the other driver had the chance.
I parked the car and looked in my mirrors to see that the other driver was not moving. She had her window rolled down and was staring at me, waiting for me to get out of the car. I put on my best customer service face and got out apologetically, ready to explain.
“I’m so sorry about this, but my coworker and I arranged to switch spots when her shift ended.”
The lady just looked at me, obviously miffed. “I was going to park there, I have been looking for a spot for several minutes.”
“I know, I’m sorry, it’s really bad today because it’s Cinco de Mayo and the restaurant parking…”
“You took my spot, that was my spot.”
“Again, I’m sorry, but I arranged with my coworker to switch spots with her so I didn’t have to park illegally while I’m working.”
“You know that’s really not fair to the people who have to shop here.”
That was just a hair too entitled for my taste. Customer service face gone I yelled back, “I have to WORK here!”
With that she blew me off and drove away. I stomped back into the store and immediately began worrying: “Oh my God, what if she comes in? What if she comes up to the cafe and yells at me some more? What if she asks to talk to the store manager? Am I going to get fired? What if I was wrong? Was I too mean? Maybe I was too mean.” Not only was I worried I was going to lose my job, but I also felt like a bad person for raising my voice to a stranger (even though she was absolutely wrong and being super dramatic about not being able to find a parking spot at a damn bookstore…calm down, lady). This was more than ten years ago and I still think about it sometimes, wondering if maybe I was wrong and if that lady ever thinks of that moment and remembers the horrible Barnes & Noble employee from the parking lot.
See, that’s too much emotional fallout for me. In the moment the yelling was a nice release of the pent up frustration and stress of a crappy day at work, but it was immediately followed by anxiety and self-doubt. Who needs it? Better to stay out of the drama altogether in my mind.
And yet given the opportunity to observe such an encounter from a safe distance, you know I am all about it. Just last week I had such an opportunity.
When I work from home I like to sit in my bedroom because it gets the most natural light. Where the office only has one window, half of which is filled with an air conditioner, my bedroom has two windows. They face onto the street and let in lots of light, so I set myself up with my lap desk near the window and work while enjoying the sunlight. My apartment is one floor up, so this position also affords me a nice bird’s eye view of anything happening on the street.
One afternoon last week I was tapping away at the computer when I heard a car horn right in front of the building. I am not far from the main street through town and the fire station is just around the corner so sirens and horns are quite common. The first blast of the horn didn’t make me look up. The second, prolonged horn blast accompanied by some colorful yelling did grab my attention.
Glancing out the window, I saw my upstairs neighbor sitting in his car with the window rolled down, waiting to turn into the driveway to the parking lot behind our building. He couldn’t make the turn because an Amazon truck was parked blocking the driveway. Just as he was swearing a blue streak about this, the Amazon driver stepped out of the truck with several packages in his arms. The walls of my building are old and thin and I was able to hear everything with perfect clarity as the following went down.
The scene of the crime
Seeing the driver my neighbor yelled, “Jesus Christ! What the fuck are you doing? You’re blocking the driveway!”
At this all thoughts of work were forgotten. I leaned closer to the window for a better view of the show.
Surprisingly calm, the driver said, “There is no need to talk to me like that. I’m doing my job.”
“I understand that, but your goddamned truck is blocking the driveway.”
“Hey I’m just out here doing my job and now you’re swearing at me?”
“I’m sorry but, Jesus Christ, you have to leave the truck there? What am I supposed to do?”
“You know I’m out here delivering these packages for you. You don’t need to talk to me like that, you could just ask me to move the truck.”
“Alright, well would you move the truck please?”
“Yes, I will move the truck. All you had to do was ask nicely.”
The driver climbed back into the truck. My neighbor sat in his car and continued to grumble. I heard the occasional “fuck” and “Christ sake” and" “shouldn’t have parked there in the first place” before the truck moved further down the street and my neighbor was able to pull into the driveway.
For the record, they were both wrong. The Amazon driver never should have stopped the truck in front of a driveway. That’s like Driving 101: don’t block a driveway, especially not in the northeast where we’re packed in like sardines and prone to angry outbursts. That was dumb. And while his frustration with a blocked driveway was understandable, my neighbor was unnecessarily rude. And I think he made a big mistake in screaming at an Amazon employee as Amazon is indeed the coming evil empire. It is only a matter of time before they’re building a Death Star in Earth’s orbit from which they will launch packages and track our every movement. I would never scream directly at an Amazon employee.
If it were me in the same situation I would have driven around the block until the truck moved. I’d be cursing the same blue streak that my neighbor was, but in the privacy of my own car and not to the guy’s face. That’s drama I don’t want to get involved in.
But it sure was fun to watch.
