As You Began

New Year’s Day holds no particular appeal for me. While New Year’s Eve is generally fun if you can find a group of like-minded partiers, the day after I have always found a little sad. It’s like rolling over after a fantastic dream and waking up to realize that none of it was real. You’re still you, tomorrow you have to go back to work, and it’s time to take down the Christmas decorations.

I have likewise always had Grinch-like feelings towards New Year’s resolutions. While I don’t begrudge anyone the right the make one, I’ve never really seen the point. Why wait until the new year to make a change for yourself? What is significant about January 1st that makes it the best day to start a new (or break an old) habit? To me, if you’re unhappy with something you’re doing or not doing in your life, change it when you notice the problem.

This coming from a person who resolves every Sunday night to change her diet and exercise habits every Monday morning all year long, so I’m not really one to be uppity about habit changing.

As I have gotten older I have begun to appreciate the neatness of the New Year’s resolution. If you make (and stick to) a resolution starting on January 1, it is very easy to track and report your progress. I.e. I have not online stalked my former middle school classmate who I always hated but couldn’t stop following on Facebook to see if she was still a show off and a bitch since January 1, 2008. It’s clean, neat, and easy to do the math of how long you’ve kept your resolve.

There is also something to be said for a universally recognized opportunity for a clean break or a fresh start, whichever one you happen to need when the new year rolls around. As British pastor and author Charles H. Spurgeon wrote, “Begin as you mean to go on, and go on as you began.” This phrase has been floating around my head for the last couple days as I pondered what I might make of the annual opportunity for change.

One of the things that I think has held me up in making resolutions is that I’ve had the feeling that the resolution needs to be big and meaningful, representing a huge change in my life. Every year I feel like I should be resolving to get in shape and lose weight, making huge changes to my daily habits and lifestyle. Perhaps this is why people so often fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions: they aim too high. Just like a series of short passes moves the football down the field, small change can be just as impactful. Plus it feels more attainable and therefore you’re more likely to see it through. So with that thought in mind, what follows includes my resolutions for this new year.

Firstly, I resolve in 2023 to get quotes right when I use them. So let’s start with Spurgeon. The full quote from All of Grace is, “Begin as you mean to go on, and go on as you began, and let the Lord be all in all to you.” This rings a little too theological for me and I hesitate to bring any kind of interpretation to the third phrase of the sentence. That I leave to my father and grandfather and the literally hundreds of other clergy that I know who are much better educated to speak intelligently on the matter. But that is the full and accurate quote, so resolution one achieved for today.

Next, I resolve to take better care of my health. Mental health I am pretty on top of, doing all the regular maintenance needed in that area: psychiatrist check ins, therapy, focusing on managing my anxiety and emotions, and being honest with myself and others about what I need and what is not helpful. That is covered. Meanwhile, I don’t have a primary care doctor that I like, or a dentist, and I haven’t been to the gynecologist in a shameful number of years. In the second half of my thirties this behavior can no longer be shrugged off as immature irresponsibility, it is now straight up negligence. It is time to be a big girl and go to the doctor and I’d better do it soon or my mother is liable to stop talking to me until I do so.

Finally, I resolve to be better about acknowledging birthdays. While I’m good with a text message on someone’s birthday and usually can get a gift together for someone I will see in person, for friends and family at a distance I am the worst at sending a card or a gift. The literal worst. Even when I manage to buy a birthday card for someone, I somehow cannot bring myself to get to the post office to mail the card, which is really quite pathetic as the post office is no more than four blocks from my home. Meanwhile I treat my own birthday like a national holiday and am so grateful and pleased to receive cards from the far flung family. It’s not that I don’t want to return the favor, I’m just lazy and post office averse. Be better, self! 2023 shall henceforth be the year of the birthday card: it is so resolved.

These are not monumental changes, but each are important to me. There are other, bigger things that are important to me too. I’d like to eat better, cook at home more, and lose weight. These are goals that I’ve had basically since puberty. I work on those things regularly, but I know myself. Most likely I will gain and lose the same 75 pounds for the rest of my life. I’m an emotional eater: I eat when I’m happy, I eat when I’m sad, I eat when I’m bored. This is who I am. Trying to make a quick change to this fundamental piece of my being just because it’s January 1 would make me miserable within hours. The three resolutions outlined above are attainable and, as I said, important. I’m not happy with the way I’ve handled each of these things in the past, so I’m going to change it. Making the effort will not make me miserable; I can already see the benefits of each one and I’ve barely begun.

This morning, a little sad with the end of the holiday festivities, I stopped at a Starbucks. I got my usual coffee and egg white bites for breakfast, but added an arguably unnecessary pastry just because I felt like it. It looked good and I was a little down and grumpy about my blissful vacation from work coming to a close in the next couple of days. Begin as you mean to go on, and go on as you began. Throughout 2023 there will be more unnecessary pastries. I don’t like this, but I know this to be true. And that is okay. I don’t like it, but I’m not upset about it because I haven’t set myself an unreasonable goal of perfection. Instead I will put my efforts towards the little changes and trust that the big adjustments will come when the time is right and I am ready to begin again.