How To Grow Self Worth in One Simple Step

You guys…I have cracked the code.

Often I have wondered how one is supposed to developed a sense of self-worth, that feeling that one matters and deserves to be treated well and with respect. The feeling that one is good enough and deserving of love. Some people seem to be born with a sense of self-worth, or they manage to develop it as they grow up. This is a kind of witchcraft I have never understood, for I have never had a strong sense of self-worth, at least not when it comes to romantic relationships.

But again I tell you that I have cracked the code. The solution for how to develop self-worth as a single woman in your late thirties. The solution is this:

Date shitty men.

Sounds counterintuitive, right? Sounds like such a thing would decrease your sense of self-worth, but nay nay! I tell you people, this is the way.

Before I explain, let’s be sure we understand that self-worth does not equal self-esteem. Self-esteem is how one perceives oneself based on their opinions and beliefs about themselves. A self-esteem issue is believing that I’m not attractive, that no one will ever find me attractive, because I’m overweight. A self-worth issue would be believing that I don’t deserve to be loved because I’m overweight. See the distinction? They are closely related, but different, and I am here to tell you that it is possible to have low self-esteem while having a high sense of self-worth. The proof is me: hello. I’m here to tell you all about it.

But first I’m going to tell you about the shitty men, because that is more fun for me.

I’ve been taking part in online dating for almost two years now. In that time I’ve chatted with innumerable men on the apps. Eight of those conversations led to a first date. Four of those first dates led to second dates. Two survivors made it through to actual dating status where we went out regularly for a significant amount of time. No one has made it into the realm of relationship or earned the title of Boyfriend.

Two of the original eight I let off the hook and do not deem them shitty men. With both of these men I went on two dates and while I had a good time with each, there was no great spark of interest on either side. In both situations we ended up mutually ghosting each other - at a certain point we both stopped reaching out. So neither of them had the courtesy to say, “Hey, I had fun, but this isn’t the match for me,” but then neither did I. This doesn’t bother me or seem like shitty behavior: all parties knew that it wasn’t going to go any further and nobody got hurt.

The first one who never made it past the first date was for good reason. We chatted over text quite frequently for a few days after matching online and decided it would be best to just meet up to see if there was chemistry in person. As soon as we started talking about a date, this guy kept bringing up the possibility of us making out after dinner. I set a boundary and said that wasn’t going to happen, that’s not my style on a first date. He accepted that, yet continued to make allusions to a forthcoming make out sesh. Every time he brought it up I said something like, “Cool joke, but not funny, please stop.” (I should have nixed the date right then but you live, you learn.)

For dinner, he insisted that I drive out to Kearny to a restaurant that was his regular place, he really wanted to show it to me. I clawed through the traffic on 280 and arrived in Kearny to find the restaurant to be a little dive place that served good enough food, but was in zero ways interesting or impressive. He showed off that he knew the server and the bartender and even one other random regular that walked in. Uh, yeah, I’ve got to give that a big WHO CARES? This is not an episode of Cheers, friend. I do not care that you know people in this bar. After dinner he walked me to my car, hugged me for too long, and I was finally free. The next day I let him know that it wasn’t a match for me, which he did accept without challenge. But still: not respecting my boundaries, making me drive out to Kearny for no good reason, acting like I should give a shit about his regular hang out. Nah, dude. Keep that away from me, I deserve better.

There are three more one date wonders: we’ll call them Larry, Moe, and Curly.

Larry and I met for coffee. We talked for about two hours and had many interests in common. I would say I was somewhat interested in this person, enough to go on a second date. When we left the coffee shop we agreed to talk and set up another date. Later that day he texted to berate me for not telling him that he had schmutz on his face during our date. (How was I supposed to know it was schmutz and not just part of his face…it was the first time I’d seen his face in person!) Weird choice, but okay. Maybe it was an attempt to flirt that didn’t translate over text. I wracked my brain for two days trying to think of an idea for a second date for us, but before I could come up with anything he texted me to say it wasn’t going to work out. I was unsurprised and not upset, and at least he had the courage to tell me rather than ghost me. But still, maybe don’t holler at your date when it’s your job to keep your own face clean. Very rude.

Moe and I went out for a late lunch/early dinner. We had a good conversation which flowed very naturally. After eating we walked around town for a long time, continuing to chat. At the end of the date we agreed to see each other again. In the days following, he texted regularly for awhile, bringing up topics that indicated continued interest and implied that we would meet up again. Then he tapered off, texting less and less and eventually not at all. This despite the fact that on our date we talked about how we hated the ghosting that happens so frequently these days - just be an adult and say, sorry, I’m not interested. And then that is exactly what he did to me. Basic, shitty behavior when the solution is as simple as sending a text, a common courtesy which everyone deserves.

Curly. We’ll come back to Curly. For now let’s talk about the two I actually dated for a longer period of time.

First we have the person I will call Albert. Over the course of about six weeks, Albert and I went on as many dates. We enjoyed each others company without question. Conversation flowed well when we were together, but Albert wasn’t much of a communicator when we were apart. Multiple days would go by without so much as a text, and when I texted him I got a polite but cursory reply. This is not my style of communication. I don’t feel the need to be in constant contact with a man, but I also don’t like feeling ignored or humored. If I’m dating you, you should want to talk to me at least once a day. I brought it up to him and he did try to improve, but it was clear that our styles of communication and expectations for dating just didn’t match. Date number six was the first time I had invited him over to my place and I was pretty sure it was going to be the last date, but I was giving it one last ditch effort. Within minutes of walking into my place, he disclosed to me that he had some mental health issues, serious ones that I should have been made aware of before inviting him over to my home. It became a bit of a crisis during which he openly tried to manipulate and guilt me into behaving how he wanted, but I managed to get him safely out of my home and back to his home while also making it clear that we would not be seeing each other any more. (Please note that the mental health advocate in me still struggles with this and feels deeply sad over it, but trust that it was the right thing to do.) Fun dates in person are great, but I don’t deserve to be ignored or left out of the rest of your life, especially when it comes to big important details that need to be shared with the person you’re dating. Shitty behavior, somewhat attributed to the mental health issue, but still.

Then there is the one that I liked the most, the one I saw real potential with. We went out on several great dates, had robust texting conversations in between, chatted on the phone a couple times, and respected each other. He was always a little distant and seemed cautious, but we talked about that and it was because he was still getting over being hurt in his last relationship. We agreed to proceed with caution. He would go off on work trips for weeks at a time, staying in touch over text, but physically distant. I attributed this to his job, which is an insane job, but one he seemed to love. After a few months he really started to pull away and I found myself doing all the work: always reaching out, always the one to make plans. I got fed up and essentially was like, “What the hell, dude?” He explained that he wasn’t over his ex yet, that I reminded him of his ex, that he needed more time, but didn’t want to lose touch. I really liked him, so I was willing to step back and give him space to heal. We agreed to check in periodically with each other, but otherwise to give each other space and noting that we were both free to date other people if someone came along.

This agreement quickly became just me doing the check ins. About once a month I would text him, usually inviting him to the next scheduled Dungeons and Dragons day with my friends (he was interested in playing and I had promised him I’d keep him updated on the schedule). He was never available and every time it was because he had taken on more at work. This already very busy man was making himself even busier with each passing month, hiding in work so he didn’t have to deal with his feelings (my own diagnosis, but tell me I’m wrong…). We did meet up one more time and once again had fun together, but he had clearly made no progress in dealing with his feelings around his ex, was emotionally unavailable, and while he spent lots of time with me that day, made it pretty clear that nothing was going to change. Reluctant to let go of what felt like a great connection, I held on for a few more weeks until I saw him on another dating app. I’m sorry, what? The busiest man alive has no time to even text me, but is out there on multiple dating apps still trying to meet people? So was he lying to me or was he out looking for a rebound or was flirting with and meeting multiple women a band-aid for the fact that he wasn’t over his ex? The world may never know, but that is when I texted him and said I couldn’t keep trying to stay connected when he put forth no effort. We managed to end it on good terms, even though looking back I recognize how shitty it was of him to lead me on and jerk me around and leave me hanging when what he really needed to do was DEAL WITH HIS OWN SHIT. I hope, for his sake, that he’s finally figured that out. For me, I learned that I shouldn’t have to fight for attention. I deserve to be a priority, not be riding in the back seat all the time.

And now, as promised, back to Curly. Curly, the most recent of the shit-masters, the inspiration behind the post, the reason that I’ve gone back to watching The Sopranos and really relating to Tony’s angry outbursts. Curly and I met and had an instant connection. Great conversations over text, lots of things in common, not afraid to broach any subject with each other. We really clicked from a distance and knew we needed to meet up to see if the connection was as good in person. After about a week of very regular communication, we met for dinner. And, click! Conversation flowed, we laughed, there seemed to be a genuine connection and potential for a whole lot more. He talked as if it were a foregone conclusion that we would be ending up in a relationship together. I took that with a grain of salt, but I felt the potential too and admit that I believed we were going somewhere.

You know how I said earlier that I don’t make out on the first date? Yeah, well…things happen people. And I’m telling you, if you felt the way I did and the way he appeared to feel, you would have done the same thing. Long story short, Curly and I ended up making out for an extended period of time after dinner. This was interspersed with conversation about how we both wanted to see where this could go, we both really like each other, we both had a good feeling about this one. We parted ways and I was confident we would be seeing each other again repeatedly in the future.

The next morning I received this text message: Hi, I had a good time yesterday, but I want to continue to see other people and working on myself. I’ve given this a lot of thought this morning and last night, I don’t want to lead you on anymore than I already have. I think you’re a really funny and genuine person and I’m sure you will find the right person, but that person is not me.

Thoroughly confused, I asked what had happened. He replied:

There was nothing specific that you did or said wrong. I really enjoyed our time, you’re a really good person. I think what happened was more about me wanting to get back on the saddle then actually being a real connection. And I’m really sorry for leading you on like that.

Points for the courage to admit that you just used me, wasted a full week of my time and emotional energy, so that you could feel better about getting back into dating. What a piece of shit. What a bilious waste of my time and something I did absolutely nothing to deserve.

This image sums up my current mood. Tread cautiously.

All of these dummies have no fucking clue what they are missing out on. No clue. I am loyal and thoughtful and funny. I have charm and quick wit. I am understanding and always give the benefit of the doubt. I compromise and am an excellent listener. I bake amazing cookies. I have a seemingly infinite amount of love to give, just have yet to find someone smart enough to want to tap into it. And even though I’m pissed as hell at being treated this way for a very long time, I am also grateful to each of these turds, and every other turd who ever mistreated me before I started online dating. Because every time they’ve disappointed me or left me hanging, my self-worth has grown. I have never been more confident in saying that I DESERVE BETTER.

So there you have it. Date shitty men, learn to hold up higher standards. Because you deserve it.

I myself will be going on a dating hiatus. I need a break from this nonsense. It’s not worth the time and energy when I can happily snuggle with my cat, knit, and indulge in my celebrity crushes on James Gandolfini and John Roberts (the voice actor, not the chief justice). One is gay and therefore by definition not available, and the other is dead. I feel safe with these men; they cannot disappoint me.

If and when I return to the field of dating, I will operate under one rule.

Belle Gunness was a serial killer in the late 1800s, primarily in Indiana. She lured and married men, supposedly building a life together only for them to die accidentally, leaving her all of their assets. (She also murdered children; she was a real piece of shit.) In the midst of her escapades, she took out a personal ad in the newspaper looking for a man to merge lives and fortunes with. The ad ended with the line “Triflers need not apply”.

Not that I’m proud to be quoting a serial killer, but…she’s not wrong. That is my one rule: triflers need not apply.