For People Who Get Periods, And Those Who Don’t

My favorite euphemism to use in place of saying, “I have my period” is, “my uterus is trying to kill me” for that is what it feels like at times.

There are times when I barely notice my period. It’s just a run of the mill bodily function, the symptoms are mild or non-existent, and before I know it, it’s over.

Then other times I feel there should be a true crime documentarian following me around because I am certain that my uterus, ovaries, hormones, and whatever else is in there are plotting a long and drawn out death full of pain, suffering, and bloat.

The Uterus Did It: The Megan McKay Story. Lifetime, here we come.

From chatting with my fellow period-havers, I know that the things that happen to my body and mind during those death-y periods are common. They happen in varying degrees to different people and each cycle is it’s own special experience. We talk about these things with our friends, mothers, sisters, sometimes coworkers if you’re close enough. But aside from those little backroom conversations, in my experience “period talk” is never actually that real.

Menstruation was taught in my public school system multiple times during health class; this was my primary source of period related talk for many years. Technically everything they taught us was true. The regular cycle is 28 days long. Many women experience symptoms along with their periods such as cramps, headaches, backaches, and moodiness. Most women start their periods between ages 10 and 15, the average age being 12. Periods last between 5 and 7 days. Getting your period means you are not pregnant. Not getting your period means you probably are pregnant. It is natural and nothing to be embarrassed about. End of story.

One can hardly blame them for narrowing the subject down to the most common experience, but they left out one very important fact: just like with the Spanish language, when it comes to periods there are many irregular verbs.

“Irregular verbs” is my favorite euphemism for something that doesn’t fit a pattern or match expectations.

Let’s compare my personal experience to the “average” woman:

Cycle The only time I have ever had a 28 day cycle is when I’ve been on birth control. Relying on my body to fend for itself I can have 19 day cycles or 57 day cycles. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I’m not cycling at all, but my reproductive bits are phoning it in pretty hard.

My cycles are wild because I have PCOS: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In a nutshell, my hormones are out of whack and my eggs are lazy little homebodies who prefer to stay in my ovaries rather than making the trek all the way to the uterus. Like mother, like ovum.

Symptoms Cramps, headache, backache for sure are all true. They happen in varying degrees and are sometimes extreme. My sister and I just had a conversation a couple months ago about menstrual migraines - apparently those exist. Who knew?

Moodiness is true, but I do not feel that one word captures what can actually happen to a person. It’s not just that you’re in a bad mood, it feels more like your emotions have control of the reins and you have absolutely no idea what direction you are headed. BAM! Suddenly you’re furious about something typically insignificant and then ten minutes later you’re fine again. Or BAM! You’re crying. No discernible reason, you’re just crying. This can last for hours or a few seconds, no telling which. If you have to boil this experience down to one word, “moodiness” probably is the best one, but man is it infuriating to have such extreme emotional experiences boiled down to such a measly little word.

For myself and many other people that I have had real period conversations with, there are many other symptoms not covered in these basics. Even the Fitbit app, which has a feature for tracking periods, does not list some significant symptoms. The options on the app for symptoms include: cramps, headache, bloated, acne, hot flashes, backache, tender breasts, fever, cough, difficulty breathing, and sick. I’ve never met anyone who had a cough or breathing issues from their period so those are weird, but the others are right on. However, where is the tracking option for fatigue? How about nerve pain? Many is the time I’ve had my period and pain radiates from my uterus all the way down my thighs. There is no option for tracking hunger or cravings; there are days on my period when I could eat all day long and never be full. Then there are also days when I’m both hungry and nauseated all day long. No tracker for nausea either.

There is no option to track the wild experience that is pooping while menstruating. Once, in the midst of a conversation about poop (because sometimes you have to talk about poop), I complained to my dad about the Fitbit app not having an option to track the weird and wacky things that come out of the colon. One moment it will feel like you’re trying to poop out a telephone pole and the next it’s like a waterfall coming out of your butthole. All within mere hours of each other it can go from the two extremes to anywhere in between. I do not feel seen by the Fitbit app as they do not even acknowledge the likelihood of weird poops. All of this I said to my father. To his credit, he did not Archie Bunker and tell me to stifle myself. But I could tell from the look on his face that this was not information he needed to know.

Nothing prepared me for what different flow rates would be like. Fitbit allows tracking for spotting, light, medium, and heavy flows. I would argue there are two that they are forgetting: undecided flow and unhinged flow. Undecided flow is when you just have a little spotting, and then all of a sudden at some unknown cue it’s like Krakatoa in your pants. So you attend to this and use some higher absorbency products only to have your body return to a gentle spitting rain. How annoying. And finally, the unhinged flow. That is the only way to describe what happens sometimes when it feels like the lining of your uterus is racing itself to the finish line. This is when you literally have to change tampons every one to two hours to keep up with the rate. This is also when you live in fear of sneezes because one good sneeze can cause something akin to that scene in The Shining at the elevators with the blood. I have actually sneezed and dislodged tampons before - the unhinged flow is no joke.

Beware of sneezes.

When it started My pediatrician, Dr. Needleman (yes, his real name), started preparing me for finding substances in my underwear when I was about 9 or 10 I believe. The average age is 12 and most start by 15. While there was at least one occasion of spotting when I was about 14, the big show didn’t fully start until I was either 16 or 17, I can’t remember. All I know is it was much later than everyone else. I was fine with this, but it was another way that I was an irregular verb.

Duration For the most part I have found the 5 to 7 day range to be accurate for period duration. Terrific! We found one category where there was truth in advertising.

Periods and Pregnancy Getting your period means you are not pregnant. It follows then that not getting your period means you are pregnant. Oh, if only it were that simple. I worked with a woman who did not know she was pregnant until 10 days before she delivered her baby. She assumed she wasn’t pregnant because she was on birth control and she got her period every month like clockwork. She only found out when she finally went to the doctor for what she assumed was a tumor growing in her abdomen. So getting your period is not proof of anything.

Likewise, not getting your period doesn’t reliably mean anything either. With my PCOS sometimes months go by and I do not get my period. This doesn’t really bother me because I know what is happening and I know I’m not pregnant, but I imagine this would be quite problematic for those either trying to conceive or trying to not conceive.

Also, let us quickly acknowledge the cruel fact that a lot of the symptoms that you’re about to get your period are the same symptoms of early pregnancy. Talk about a design flaw.

Embarrassment It is the most natural thing in the world to get your period and it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Yet the day I first got my period, I begged my mother not to tell anyone. The idea of biologically being a woman while still feeling like a kid felt weird and conflicting and I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Plus, it feels gross and a lot of people get visibly uncomfortable when talking about periods so why wouldn’t it feel embarrassing?

At this point in my life I am clearly past the stage of feeling embarrassed by period talk. While it no longer makes me uncomfortable, I recognize that it is an uncomfortable subject for many people, both those who get periods and those who don’t. But how sad is that? How wildly unfair that something completely normal is a taboo topic. Especially considering that “normal” periods, the kind advertised in schools and doctors offices and by Fitbit, are not necessarily the norm. If not for the private conversations I have had with other period havers, there are many instances in my period experience that would have had me thinking I was dying or at the least that something was very wrong with me. (I do have PCOS, but that is not that abnormal; lots of people have PCOS.) It just shouldn’t be this way. We should be able to talk about it without embarrassment.

To that end, I offer this post to my fellow period havers, to those who used to get periods, to those who will someday get periods. And most especially to those who don’t get periods and never will, I offer all of this information to you. If this is a subject that makes you uncomfortable, congratulations on making it this far through the post. I hope this has offered you the opportunity to work through your discomfort in private so that the next time a period haver mentions having their period or some related symptom, you can be less grossed out and open to talking about it if that is what they need.

That’s the point: let’s just talk about it. Period.