Die Hard
Last year I spent December re-watching and reviewing my favorite go-to Christmas movies. This year, I’ve decided that it would be fun to watch and review Christmas movies that I have never seen before.
Before I start I should say one thing: I don’t really care much about movie reviews. I don’t read them before I go see a movie, and when I look at them after seeing a movie I would say I usually don’t agree with at least two thirds of what is said in the reviews. This, I believe, is largely because I don’t watch movies to be wowed by the craft of filmmaking, I just watch them for enjoyment. So there may be artistic choices that are really major in some Hollywood way, but that won’t make me appreciate what a movie is trying to do. All of this is to say that my movie reviews are not like normal movie reviews and if you don’t like it, well…what’s a nice way to say “tough titties to you”?
This week’s movie is Die Hard (1988). Now, if you’re anything like the majority of men I’ve dated over the last three years your reaction to this is something like: “(shocked pause, staring open mouthed)…you’ve never seen Die Hard?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! No, until very recently I’d never seen Die Hard. It honestly just never came up as a movie watching option. No one was ever like, “hey, do you want to watch Die Hard?” If someone had asked I’m sure I would have watched it, but no, most people just register shock that I’ve never seen it.
In those situations my go to was always to reply by asking, “okay, but is it really a Christmas movie?” Because even though I’d never seen it, I knew enough about Die Hard from all of the pop culture references to it over the course of my life that I must say it sure didn’t sound like a Christmas movie. It sounded like an action movie. I’m not against action movies at all, but I am against them masquerading as Christmas movies. So I went into watching Die Hard with my skeptic light on, ready to pull it apart for not being Christmas-y enough.
One note on how I’m watching these never-before-seen (by me) Christmas movies this month: I’m watching them twice. First a full on movie night viewing: lights off, no distractions, just watching the movie as if I were in a theater. Then I give them a few days to marinate in my brain. Then I watch them again and take notes on my honest, in the moment reactions to the movie. Then I write the review.
So here, gentle reader, are my thoughts on Die Hard, taken directly from the notes app in my phone. Beware if you have not seen the movie, for beyond this point lie the spoilers.
Die Hard notes:
Making fists with your toes in carpet once you arrive at your destination is supposed to make air travel easier? What a weird way to make sure that Bruce Willis/John McClane is barefoot through the whole movie, but honestly, it works. People say weird shit, this checks out.
HE’S GOT A GUN ON A PLANE. WHAT IN THE PRE-9/11 NONSENSE IS THAT? Would they really let cops on planes with their guns in the 1980s? I find this unimaginable.
Argyle is the greatest name ever for a limo driver, or really for anyone.
Wooo that limo is tricked out 1980s style with a CB radio AND a VCR? So fancy, lol.
Ah yes, the stereotypical cocaine snorting businessman. How disgusting. I know he dies later but I still want to punch him in the face.
Young Alan Rickman can get it. So could older Alan Rickman. Just…Alan Rickman = yes please.
I know the carpet in the bathroom is needed so that John McClane can make the fists with his toes, but that is so gross and you know it had to smell. Also, the full sets of towels with bath towel, hand towel, and washcloth hanging in a WORKPLACE bathroom makes me very concerned for these people and their work/life balance.
So gunshots go off and John McClane is like, “come on, Argyle, I hope you heard those gunshots.” My friend you are 30 floors up in the air and Argyle is chilling in the parking garage. Even if he didn’t have music blasting, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have heard the gunshots. Just saying.
Carl Winslow! Reginald VelJohnson plays Al the cop but in my heart he will always be Carl Winslow, the dad from Family Matters. Who knew he was a cop in LA before moving to Chicago to also be a cop and live next door to Steve Urkel?
So we start with the cleanest white tank top you ever did see on John McClane. It stays decently clean until he goes through the air ducts at which point it turns straight up brown. But the air ducts are pristine, so I am confused as to where the brown came from. I’m willing to accept it, but again, just saying.
“Yippie ki yay, motherfucker” is probably one of the greatest lines ever. Stunning, even when you know it’s coming, still great.
The deputy chief of the LAPD is the principal dude from The Breakfast Club and now in addition to Bruce Willis running around and pissing him off I’m thinking about Judd Nelson and Molly Ringwald et al dancing around Nakatomi Plaza. Oh the 80’s are so fun!
The newscasters are talking about Helsinki syndrome but describing Stockholm syndrome. Is this supposed to be a joke that the experts being interviewed are dumb and got the city wrong? I don’t get it.
“With all things being equal, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” As a person with partial Philly roots, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be offended by this or not, but Philadelphia is nice, I would also rather be there than stuck with glass in my feet.
Speaking of, the amount of blood pouring out of John McClane’s feet is disgusting but also so perfect and action movie-y. I kind of love it.
Very interesting use of Beethoven’s 9th symphony throughout this movie. I don’t know what I think about it, but it’s interesting.
John, I would not recommend using that nasty ass tank top as a bandage for your foot. That is a one way road to sepsis, my friend.
So the part when John McClane is on the radio with Al and telling him what an idiot he was to his wife…I just love it. Truly warms my heart which I would not have expected from an action movie.
The reporter threatening to call the INS on the housekeeper to get in to talk to the kids…WHAT A DICK. I am SO glad that Bonnie Bedelia punches him in the face at the end.
First of all, that fire hose does not look like it is tied very tightly around his waist, certainly not tight enough to support him when he JUMPS OFF THE BUILDING, BUT I will say this: once he’s in the building again and the weight of the hose thing is pulling him towards the window? Chills, both times I watched it. Super scary, even though I know by this point in the movie they aren’t going to kill him off.
John McClane is covered in blood and sweat and all manner of grime. There is NO WAY that his back was dry enough to tape a gun to it. Absolutely no way. I still like that part, though.
Okay, so you survive and get out of the building and have major wounds and you and your wife are definitely in shock and you GET IN A LIMO? What’s wrong with an ambulance? Don’t you want to get the many wounds you’re sporting seen to? Maybe go to the hospital, friend. Just a suggestion.
I totally get it now. Die Hard is awesome. It is fun to watch, there are little twists and turns and enough action sequences but not too many. This is a great movie. But is it a Christmas movie?
Honestly, yes it is. And it hurts my soul to admit that especially because one guy I dated a couple years ago was SO ANNOYING about it. But yes I admit, it is a Christmas movie. I base this not on what happens in the movie so much, but because I think it would feel weird to watch Die Hard at any other time of the year except for Christmastime. It just fits, seasonally and is weirdly…cozy. Perhaps that is not the right word, but it’s somehow comforting like a Christmas movie should be. (Although it was originally released in July, so read into that what you will about whether or not the original intention was for it to be a Christmas movie.)
So there you have it. If you haven’t seen Die Hard, I do highly recommend it. And once you watch it and if you’ve also seen Working Girl, then I strongly suggest that you go watch Bob’s Burgers, season 5, episode 1 which is entitled Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl. It is so worth it for all the references.
I feel it is only appropriate to sign off with a line from the movie so, with all respect: yippie ki yay, motherfuckers!
