Birthday Rules
One of my favorite comedians is Sarah Millican. She is British and funny, which is really all I’m looking for out of most people in life. In her specials, many of which you can watch for free on YouTube, she talks about topics that would be really very uncomfortable to watch with your parents in the room or on a first date. But she isn’t raunchy, she’s honest. And because she says everything with a British accent, it sounds refined. I like her style.
In one of her specials she talks about how she and her “fella”, as she calls him, spend their birthdays together. Basically, if it’s your birthday, you make all the decisions and the other person has to go along with it because those are the birthday rules. In Sarah’s case she ends up going places she’d really rather not go, like a haunted castle, but she does it for her fella on his birthday. I love this idea of birthday rules and as soon as I manage to con someone into being my fella, I intend to instate these rules in our relationship. (In my case though there will be a veto option as there are some things I simply refuse to do even for love, such as jumping out of an airplane. Not happening, I don’t care who’s birthday it is.)
I love birthdays, most especially my birthday because I am, in fact, a child at heart. I am that person who reminds everyone when my birthday is (it’s September 4th, by the way). When reading a book or watching a movie and my birthdate is mentioned I have to say, “That’s my birthday!” even if everyone in the room already knows that. It’s not that I demand to be celebrated or worshipped or expect a lot from other people on my birthday; I just really enjoy having my own personal holiday.
I’ve had many a good birthday, I really cannot complain on that score. As the day approaches each year I do not dread it, but look forward to playing by my own birthday rules to ensure I celebrate and enjoy the day as much as possible. The rules for what I would deem a perfect birthday are as follows:
1.) Birthdays should last for more than one day. I am a child of divorce and as such I have grown accustomed to celebrating pretty much everything at least twice. This is quite enjoyable. Why have only one Christmas when you can have two? For the majority of my life I have celebrated my birthday more than once per year, often spread out through the first couple weeks of September and sometimes even later in the month. This being the case, I personally feel that the entire month of September is my birthday. I do not demand that the people around me treat me as if it is my birthday all month, that would be crazy. But I do have this feeling within myself throughout September that makes me feel special all month long. This is also helpful because if it turns out that I have to spend the actual birthday alone or working, I don’t really mind.
2.) Make the most of your time on the actual birthday. While I have no problem with adjusting the date of birthday celebrations to meet others’ schedules, I do like to make the most of my actual birthday. This begins and ends with sleeping. On birthday eve I go to bed early, making sure I am asleep well before midnight. This allows me to wake up earlier than usual so that I get more hours of actual birthday to enjoy. I do all I can to fill the day with activities, food, and people that I enjoy and then once again make sure I go to sleep before midnight. It makes me sad to be awake and see the clock turn from being my birthday to being not my birthday anymore, so I avoid that altogether.
3.) Coffee. Self-explanatory, but I will explain anyway. The day should begin with coffee. On my birthday I do not want to make my own coffee, I want to buy it. I want it to be a little fancier than the coffee that I usually get when I go out. As my birthday coincides with the start of pumpkin spice season, I usually wait until the actual day to get myself something pumpkin-y. Whatever I get and wherever I get the coffee from, I want to enjoy it in a leisurely manner, preferably with a good book or quiet conversation.
4.) Weather. Obviously outside of my control, but if I had a choice the weather would be sunny in the mid to high seventies, cooling down in the evening enough to open the windows. I do not wish to be sweaty and uncomfortable on my birthday.
5.) Work. No work on my birthday. In my opinion birthdays should be a free PTO day for everyone across the universe. Happily this year my birthday falls on Labor Day, so my office is kindly closing in observation and celebration of my birth. On the years that I do have to work I take full advantage of being in an office full of people and tell everyone I encounter that it is my birthday.
6.) Activities. On my birthday I want to do something fun that I enjoy. This could include anything from laying on my bed reading, going to an escape room, spending time with friends and family, or spending time working on a craft project alone in my apartment while binge watching a show. Any of the above plus innumerable other options would make me happy. The only thing I wouldn’t want to do is go somewhere super crowded because I just don’t like big crowds. Activities with 10 or fewer people are preferred. Also, they should be indoor, climate controlled activities. I do not really like outside unless the weather is perfect (see above) and there are no bugs.
7.) Food. I like food and really like to use my birthday as an excuse to eat whatever I want, but I do not want to cook. Ideally the food plan would involve grazing all day long on my favorite foods prepared by someone else, never getting too full, and always having room for a little bit more as if I were eating magical food in the land of Narnia.
8.) Cake. Cake is food, I understand this, but it is deserving of its own rule because my cake requirements are very important. I like all kinds of cake. You would be hard pressed to find a cake that I wouldn’t enjoy. But in order to feel like I have had my annual birthday cake there is one very important factor: buttercream icing.
Every year growing up both my sister and I got the same birthday cake: chocolate cake with white icing. The icing was American buttercream, aka shortening, milk, vanilla, and a shit ton of confectioner’s sugar. So much sugar that the outside of the icing actually hardened as it dried. (If you are thinking, “gross, that’s too much sugar!” then I question your morals, friend.) This, in my mind, is the greatest, undefeated, never to be improved upon, definitive birthday cake. In adulthood many a birthday has passed without enjoying this actual cake, but never have I let a birthday slip by without shoveling some buttercream icing into my face. I do not care what kind of cake it is on, so long as there is buttercream. None of that whipped cream airy horseshit waste of calories, not on my birthday!
Cream cheese frosting is also acceptable.
9.) Snuggles. I like a snuggle and whether from human or animal I do not really care. If I’m with people, I want hugs. If I’m with animals, I want to pet them and would prefer for them to fall asleep either on or near me. This year I get to snuggle my goddaughter which I expect will fill the snuggle quota and then some.
10.) Human Contact. Although I prefer not to be at work or around large crowds of people and am quite introverted, I still love human contact on my birthday. Text messages, Facebook posts, phone calls - I enjoy them all. I especially enjoy the annual conversation with my mother, during which I thank her for giving birth to me. She always claims that it was a pleasure, but I suspect she is saying this to be nice because childbirth sounds rough and I gave her zero opportunity for medication as I was born so quickly. I also arrived with two teeth and she still breast-fed me for six weeks so, she’s a champ to say the least.
11.) No whining about getting older. Generally I have no problem with aging. At my age I’d be among the oldest women in a pilgrim village, so I’m doing pretty well. Oddly enough, the only year I really had trouble was when I turned 20, which was so bizarre. Since then I’ve been perfectly fine on all of my birthdays and strive to be grateful that I’m alive and well when so many people die before their time. So when my knees crack or my back aches or I grunt when trying to stand up from a chair, instead of whining about feeling old I thank the Lord, the universe, and everything that these are my biggest problems.
These are my birthday rules. I reserve the right to change, alter, delete, or add to these rules at any time, as is my legal right as the birthday girl.
When I do get a fella, won’t it be so nice for him that I’ve already written out exactly what I want on my birthday? How convenient! Gosh, I’m a catch.
