Say A Little Prayer

“Why must people kneel down to pray?" If I really wanted to pray I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd go out into a great big field all alone or into the deep, deep, woods, and I'd look up into the sky--up--up--up--into that lovely blue sky that looks as if there was no end to its blueness. And then I'd just feel a prayer.” - Anne Shirley, from Anne of Green Gables

Most of the time I am a compliant person. If someone asks me to do something for them or asks for a favor, I will usually do it and be happy to do it. The times I have trouble are when someone gives me a directive, especially when it is given in a commanding way. My brain automatically goes, “well excuse the hell out of me, but when did I join the army?” My instinct at that point is to not do the thing that I was told to do.

For example: I’m at a minor league baseball game. They are trying to inspire the crowd to make some noise to encourage exciting happenings at the plate. In order to produce said noise they play that part of The Cha Cha Slide that goes, “Everybody clap your hands” and then all of the people clapped in the familiar rhythm that follows that line. Except for me. I instead was like, “I don’t think I will, thank you very much…bossy song trying to tell me what to do.”

I do the same thing when I see a commercial that says something like, “Come on down and take advantage of this deal today!” Well maybe I would have but now that you told me to, I don’t wanna!

I mean, I’m not stupid. If there’s a really good deal I will take advantage of it. But I digress.

Recently I was at a holiday event and someone was asked to pray before the meal. Rather than saying something normal (to my mind) such as, “will you pray with me?” before beginning to pray, this person said very forcefully, “All eyes closed! All heads bowed!”

Immediately my face did that thing my face does when my brain is thinking, “uh, WTF?” My lip curled up like an Elvis impression, my brow scrunched together, and I kind of jutted my whole head to one side as if to say, “excuse you?”

I don’t like being bossed around, but I reaaaaaallllllly don’t like being bossed around when it comes to faith-based things. Like, you’re going to tell me that I’m praying wrong because I don’t bow my head and close my eyes? That’s some bullshit.

It is entirely possible that I do pray “wrong” according to tradition or common practice. I’ve mentioned before how I do not pray as one might imagine it traditionally. I do not kneel down beside my bed before I go to sleep at night. Rarely do I actually fold my hands or bow my head. Sometimes I will close my eyes, but not always. And I don’t have any kind of routine when it comes to prayer. I just talk to God when I feel like it. Is this the right way to do it? I think it depends on who you ask, but I’m pretty sure a lot of people would say no.

When I do pray, it is very much like Tevye prays in Fiddler on the Roof. Throughout that story, Tevye is in almost constant communication with God. He talks to God about anything and everything; the little inconveniences or joys that he encounters as well as the big problems he is facing such as his daughters falling in love left and right with “inappropriate” people and, oh yeah, the pogroms. Tevye laments, questions , expresses gratitude, praises, and does it all as if he is having a constant, open, two-way conversation with God.

I’m nowhere near as faithful as Tevye when it comes to religion and tradition. He sings a whole song about it, for crying out loud. So for me it’s not the constant conversation that Tevye carries on. But when I do speak something out whether in my mind or literally out loud, I believe there is a God who hears me. The thing is I don’t believe that I have to be in a specific physical position or mental space to access that God. I believe God hears me all the time. It’s like how Santa knows when you’re sleeping or awake; God is always watching (in a non-creepy way), and knows everything anyway. I have no idea if there is any kind of theology anywhere that supports this feeling, but that is how I feel and what I believe; God is always available and always listening.

This does not mean that God is always amenable. I would never expect to get everything I ask for through prayer, nor am I looking for that type of relationship with a deity. What kind of world would it be if everyone got everything they ever asked for? Chaos, I believe, is the answer. But you know how people say that God answers all prayers, but sometimes the answer is no? That scares the bejeezus out of me. It makes me not know what to pray for sometimes.

Example: I know that my mom is on a plane. I want to say, “hey, keep her safe up there, k? Thanks, buddy”. That’s the chill way that I tend to talk to God; we’re cool, we go way back. But then I think what if God’s answer to that prayer is no? What if God thinks I only pray when I want things and this asking for a safe flight is the last straw for God? So then I get too scared to pray for my mother’s safety and instead feel like I should build up a bank of prayers of gratitude and prayers on behalf of others before I start selfishly asking for things for myself. But then I feel guilty about thinking about prayer as a transactional thing which simply cannot be how it works.

So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. I believe enough in God to believe that my thoughts and questions and comments and grievances are heard. But I don’t feel like I’m good enough at praying to actually ask for what I need (or what someone else needs) without God judging my requests to be selfish. So then I don’t talk to God about those things that worry me or hurt me or hurt others, but I still believe that even though I’m not specifically praying about those things, God still knows about them. And I believe that God knows how I feel about those things even if I don’t speak it out directly. Because God, remember, is like Santa and knows everything.

I can almost feel all of the faithful people in my family and in my circles shaking their heads at me. “You dummy,” they might say. “If you’re so worried that you’re praying wrong, then do some research. Talk to one of the bajillion clergy that you know. Seek out answers and try some new things.”

But then again, I don’t like to be told what to do or what to believe, especially when it comes to religion. There are too many people on this earth who think they have it all figured out and are ready to tell you all about it until the cows come home. Flimsy though it may be, I like my little system of chatting with God; sometimes I just roll my eyes upward and grunt. No need for more words; God gets it. But maybe I’m wrong and I know that. Maybe I should try a little harder.

No matter what though, I know for damn sure that I do not have to bow my head or close my eyes to talk to God. So don’t tell me to.